If you (or your toddler) have ever accidentally turned on Apple's "Voice Over" and can't figure out how to turn it off, I sympathize. I am sure it is awesome and extremely useful for those who need it. That aside, it is obnoxious.
Note: I could not find a way to get out of it by going into Voice Over Utility. Grrrr.
By pushing random buttons while my computer kept telling me what I was doing, I found out how to solve the problem.
Without further ado:
Press Command and F5 at the same time.
Seriously. That's it. And... you're welcome. Actually, I am not sure if this will ever be useful to anyone other than myself but at least I have a place to find the solution again, should the need ever arise...